What does it mean to be Nigerian? Your social media feed might have you thinking it has something to do with simply food or vibrant clothing in varying shades and styles, being the loudest person in the room, men who are serial womanisers and a never ending beef with Ghanians.
Many questions can be asked when considering the nature of Nigerian identity. Like any other identity, it is riddled with complexities and constantly subject to change. Nigeria itself is a relatively modern concept and to date is only sixty five years old. Before the conception and birth of Nigeria, various kingdoms, tribes and peoples inhabited the region. They seem to all have had distinct cultural practices however, their close proximities likely could have led to overlaps in customs. As it was at the inception of Nigeria, a North/south divide persists.
Nowadays it is often characterised as the muslim north and the christian south. Although there is some truth to that narrative, in my opinion it is still quite flawed and it doesn’t consider several complexities.
Personally, I identify as having mixed Nigerian heritage. This can be simply expressed as having Northern and Southern backgrounds but specifically I belong to the Yoruba and Gbagyi tribal/ethnic groups. Having mixed Nigerian heritage to some is seen as a blessing, others deem it as surely confusing. I’m often told “You have the best of both worlds” but also “You don’t belong anywhere - you’re lost”. Both statements have some truth to them. Having mixed heritage has made me more appreciative of different perspectives but, it has also led to internal conflict when forced to choose between the different groups I belong to. Internal and external tension often arises when confronting differences in practices.
Most of my childhood was spent in a quasi-northern family setting. Therefore most of my early socialisation was based on “Arewa” (northern) values- if such a thing exists . This centred around conservative religious adherence, the importance of ritual acts of worship, formative islamic education, “zumunci” (maintaining family and neighbourly connections) , and deference to elders. I only became more familiar with the Yoruba side of my family in the southwest as I grew older. The interactions with that side of the family were few and far in-between so the cultural essence of that social setting was not very clear to me. Religious practices played a key role in how life was lived in both settings. Despite similarities in practical acts of worship the way Islam was practiced amongst my northern family differed in comparison to my Yoruba family.
After having several identity crises, I realised it was important for me to learn more about the cultures I come from. Interestingly, questions about identity seemed to matter more when I started exploring courtship and dating. To complicate matters more, I spent most of my teenage life in “the western world” meaning I matured outside my indigenous cultures and became somewhat estranged from both of them. In Europe, being “Nigerian” was enough of an identity marker. But after several short lived flings, heartbreaks and a particularly tense encounter with my family, it became clear to me that I was missing a level of understanding important for success in the courtship and eventually marriage arena.
Weighing up the two cultures I come from, I knew the least Yoruba culture. To find out more about it I started reading articles online. During my research, I came across a book called “The Sociology of the Yoruba” written by Nathaniel A. Fadipe - a Nigerian sociologist in the colonial era (1914-1960). He writes about traditional (Pagan belief system), Christian and muslim marriages during that period. The level of detail Fadipe attributes to the three different subcultures within Yorubaland and their approach to marriage varies. More emphasis is placed on the traditional followed by christian courtship and a few lines spared for muslim marriages (therefore not a comprehensive picture). He describes Yorubaland as a pluralistic society to which frictions were minimised by neither group being dogmatic in their beliefs or practices.
Pragmatism in society was emphasised whereby lines of religious distinction were blurred. This meant for example muslims, christians and traditionalists participated in each others festivals therefore neither were dogmatic in their faith traditions. Yoruba society at the time was a melting pot of people with a plurality of attitudes and values united under the umbrella of Yoruba ethnicity. Although Fadipe believed this plurality created antagonism within the Yoruba, other commentators suggested that the Yoruba people were not a homogenous group even before the foreign influences of faith traditions.
For the traditional Yoruba, courtship started at a very young age for both sexes. Once a young boy reached puberty (twelve years old on average) his immediate female relatives would begin making discreet enquiries within the community for a suitable counterpart - a girl who was around ten years old. As you would expect with traditional courtship, a romantic element was not necessary. The more pressing issues were physical convenience in terms of distance, social standing, debts, closeness in blood relations (a separation of at least three degrees was acceptable) etc. Upon finding a suitable match, a formal approach was made by the family of the boy typically led by the boy's father to the girl's father directly or through an intermediary.
The girl's relatives would then perform their own investigations about their proposed in-law. If all was deemed suitable an “Isihun” - a ceremony to announce the formal engagement - was conducted. This was only the beginning of the process as it could take up to ten years before “Idana” (payment of dowry) followed by the symbolic “ìgbéyàwó” (carrying of the bride) where the bride would literally be carried to her husband's compound. Not until then were they recognised as a couple. The whole process was conducted in a manner suggesting the union was bigger than just the two individuals involved.
There were certain expectations for both during that period. For the boy, he was obliged to give gifts (often produce i.e. maize or yam), perform manual labour for his betrothed’s family (erecting fences, farming, digging graves in the event of a death), and payment of debts and fines owed by the intended wife and her family - one of the reasons for careful enquiries into the family being married into prior. As for the girl, the major expectation was that she remained “virgo intacta” meaning that she remained a virgin. This would be crudely investigated upon consummation on the bridal night. She was to avoid meeting her betrothed or his relatives and if this was unavoidable she was to cover her face during the interaction. It was expected that no sexual intercourse would occur between the pair until after marriage. The writer although caveats that there were variations dependent on the different Yoruba subgroups and social classes.
It would seem that the manner of courtship changed as the Yoruba were subject to influence of foreign values. The introduction of Islamic, Christian values and the overarching colonial influence modified how courtship was approached in certain circles. Islamic courtship did not vary significantly to established traditional practice. The main differences were the requirement for consent of the woman before the marriage and the number of wives a man could marry was limited to four. Christian values encouraged independence, individuality and exclusiveness which was contrary to the traditional way of life. A man was restricted to one wife and the family setting became more nuclear. The colonial administration facilitated individualism by way of increased access to financial resources . Young men could now get jobs as artisans or clerks and by doing so they could earn ten times the amount they would make working on their fathers farm and selling the produce. This newfound economic prosperity meant they had the financial capacity to live independently of their families therefore were no longer bound to follow customs if they were averse to it. Women who were already in the engagement process or even already married could now attach themselves as mistresses to this new prosperous working class and could rely on the colonial representative in their region for protection through the courts. The courts allowed women to be divorced from customary exceptions and as a compromise the new suitor would repay the bride price (if already paid) to the previous suitor/partner. Divorce and marriage by mutual consent - both previously unheard of - were now introduced into Yoruba society.
Towards the end of the colonial era, courtship now contained a combination of the old and the new. Marriage was still a collective family undertaking rather than an individual decision. The initial approach and rapport building (talking stage as Gen Z and millennials would refer to it) could now be initiated by bachelors and spinsters themselves directly without need for intercessors. Chastity was still emphasised and discreet interactions between the potential couple were frowned upon. Opportunities for interactions between the potential spouses would now occur during family public engagements i.e weddings, funerals and religious gatherings. Courtship started at an older age and lasted for a shorter duration. As colonialism approached its end, courtship in the developing seedling nation of Nigeria started to take the form of the modern iterations we see today.
As a man estranged from his indigenous cultures, there are a lot of lessons to be learned. I grew up thinking the cultures I came from were worlds apart. Turns out they aren’t so different from each other. For the Yoruba to conduct courtship in such a manner a high level of zumunci would be required - although they probably didn’t call it that. I now see the value of “zumunci” and the role it can play in spousal selection. The concerted efforts to stay in touch allows for the passive passage of information about the happenings in the community including potential spouses and their characters. The passive nature is key (especially within a tight knit tribal community). Signals can be sent, interests determined, approvals or rejections given all under the guise of checking up on your neighbour or close family relations. Other than a few aunties taking offence, I imagine the blow of rejection is much softer. It can be implied that although zumunci may not look the same in a Yoruba setting as an Arewa setting, the importance of the principle still applies to both cultures. An intriguing overlap which can be discussed some other time.
In terms of lessons on a more personal level, having a set way of approaching a life event/ social engagement makes things a lot easier. A tradition being practiced at a certain time is probably being done so because it has survived several trial and error periods and has produced the best results. I had to painstakingly experience trial and error myself when I approached women. Most of the time I approached for superficial reasons. In hindsight, I never took the time to draw up a criteria on which to choose a potential spouse. Many of the people I approached didn’t line up with my foundational values or the direction I wanted to go in life. To be honest I had no direction at the time and that void probably explains my insistent desire to be in a relationship. Having trusted family or elders to talk to may have helped in taming my many youthful bursts of infatuation. It was all about what I wanted, never considering the effect of my personal decision on that of the fabric of my family and inherited way of life.
As I write this piece, the question that arises to me is; “Why was I in such a rush?”. The level of sophistication involved in the traditional courtship makes me realise that marriage is a respected institution and careful preparations need to be made before entering into it. I can’t fault myself too much because I was none the wiser and acting impulsively as the youth are known to do.
My parents never put any pressure on me regarding spousal selection. The only pressure I remember being placed under was related to doing well in school. Upon this pondering, memories flood back to events in school that shaped my understanding about relationships between men and women. It appears my obsession with being in a relationship (and marriage when I became practicing) had more to do with having sex rather than anything else.